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The Official Site of Doug Smith
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Oct 12, 2007 8:29pm
1 review
music
http://www.dougsmith.com/official_site.shtml
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Incredible music.
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Oct 11, 2007 8:08pm
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On the next few posts I thought I would share some old Old jokes.
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Oct 11, 2007 8:08pm
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LETTER TO MY WIFE ON OUR ANNIVERSARY:
DEAR IN THE LAST YEAR I TRIED TO SEDUCE YOU 365 TIMES.
OF THOSE 365 TIMES:
120 TIMES IT WAS "THAT TIME OF THE MONTH"
151 TIMES YOU HAD A HEADACHE
42 TIMES YOU WERE TOO TIRED
3 TIMES YOU SAID I WAS `TOO TIRED
13 TIMES YOU SAID THE CH1LDREN MIGHT HEAR
5 TIMES YOU SAID THE NEIGHBORS MIGHT HEAR
10 TIMES YOU HAD A BACKACHE
2 TIMES YOU HAD A TOOTHACHE
1 TIME YOU WERE TOO DRUNK
2 TIMES YOU SAID I WAS TOO DRUNK
4 TIMES YOU SAID I WOULD MUSS YOUR HAIR
12 TIMES YOU SAID YES
OF THOSE 12 TIMES YOU SAID YES:
4 TIMES YOU WENT TO SLEEP
1 TIME I WENI' TO SLEEP WHILE YOU WERE SAYING YES
2 TIMES YOU CALLED OUT OTHER MEN'S NAMES
3 TIMES THE PHONE RANG (YOUR MOTHER)
1 TIME THEFE WAS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR
1 TIME I WAS SURE I HAD HURT YOU BECAUSE YOU MOVED.
THIS NEXT YEAR TRY TO DO BETTEII.
YOUR HUSBAND
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Oct 11, 2007 8:02pm
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SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT!
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by university physicists. The element, tentatively named `Administratium', had no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 15 assistant neutrons, 70 vice neutrons, and 161 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 247. These 247 particles are held together in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium added to one reaction caused it to take over four days to complete. Without the Administratium, the reaction occurred in less than one second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Studies seem to show the atomic number actually increasing after each reorganization.
Research indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate in certain locations such as government agencies, large corporations and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best-appointed and best-maintained buildings.
Scientists warn that Administratium is known to be toxic, and recommend plenty of fluids and bed rest after even low levels of exposure.
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Oct 11, 2007 7:56pm
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THE RULES
The FEMALE makes The Rules
The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
No MALE can possibly know all The Rules.
If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows The Rules, she must immediately change the Rules.
The FEMALE is never wrong.
If the FEMALE is mistaken, it is a direct; result of something the MALE did or said wrong.
The MALE must apologize immediately for causing said misunderstanding.
The FEMALE may charge her mind at any time.
The MALE must never change his mind without the written consent of the FEMALE.
The FEMALE has the right to be upset or angry at any time.
The MALE must remain calm at all times; unless the FEMALE wants him to.be angry and/or upset.
If the FEMALE has PMS, all The Rules are null and void.
The MALE is expected to mind read constantly and act accordingly.
Any attempt to document The Rules could result in actual bodily harm.
The MALE who doesn't abide by The Rules can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
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Oct 11, 2007 7:46pm
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Help for the cowboy
A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde.
She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead.
She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"
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Oct 11, 2007 7:41pm
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A BEEKEEPER'S LAMENT
We've had a bad year out here on the farm.
A salesman took my wife;
A twister took the barn;
Coyotes ate the little pigs;
Some gypsies stole my plow;
Grasshopper's stripped the Milo;
Lighting killed my cow;
The house caught fire, a total loss;
The banker took my truck;
The IRS sent a little note; it seems I shorted them a buck.
I'm sitting here eyeing my beehive.
I don't know, but I feel sure that new queen done mated with a tumblebug.
And my hive is full of manure.
By Jimmie Harkey
San Saba, TX
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Oct 11, 2007 5:55pm
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COWBOY POETRY
REINCARNATION
BY WALLY MACKAE
What is reincarnation the cowpoke asked his friend? It happens, he replied, when your life has reached its end.
They comb your hair, wash your face, clean your fingernails, and lay you in a padded box, away from life's travails.
The box and you goes in a hole that's been dug in the ground; reincarnation starts once you're planted neath the mound. Clods melt down, just like your box and you who are inside, and then your just beginning on your transformation ride.
In a while some grass will grow upon your rendered mound, till one day upon your lonely grave a single flower is found.
Then say a horse should wonder by and graze upon this flower, that once was you and has now become your vegetative bower.
Now this posy that the horse ate up with his other feed makes bone, and fat and muscle essential to the steed. But some is left that he can't use and so it passes thru. And finally lays upon the ground, this thing that once was you.
Then say by chance I wonders by and sees this object on the ground, and I ponders and I wonders at this thing that I have found. I thinks of reincarnation, of life, and death, & such come away concluding Boss, you ain't changed all that much
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Oct 11, 2007 5:50pm
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Laws To Remember
by Jack Neafsey
1.If you dance with a Grizzly hear, you'd better let him lead! (The Law of "Volunteering")
2.When putting cheese in a mouse trap, always leave room for the mouse. (The Law of "Avoiding Oversell")
3.The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it. gets. (The Law of "Know-When-to-Quit")
4.Never accept a drink from a urologist. (The Law of "Common Sense")
5.There are days when no matter which way you spit, it's upwind . (The first. Law of "Reality")
5.When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last. (The second Law of "Reality"')
7.Whatever it is that hits the fan, it will not be evenly distributed. (The third Law of "Reality")
8.Never get into fights with ugly people; they have nothing to lose. (`The fourth Law of "Reality")
9.Creativity is great but plagiarism is faster.
(The fifth Law of "Reality")
10.Reality is a crutch for those who can't cope with fantasy. (The Law of "Goal Setting")
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Oct 11, 2007 5:39pm
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HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked.
with Beer
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